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Posts Tagged ‘food’

maybe you’re reading this because you have a slight interest in my daily haps and scanning this post is another procrastinating scheme in which you are avoiding starting whatever else you have that is (surely) more important than watching my desperate attempts to fill every paragraph with brackets (seriously kids, choose a handful of posts and you will see. my batting average is probably about 6 or 7 per page. discontinued and choppy thoughts in its purist form).

or maybe you’re reading this because you want to hound me out for taking three months to respond to your thoughtful and caring facebook message. please recall my pre-meditated “i’m awful at keeping in-touch with people” excuse. i thought i was vague enough that i covered all my bases on that one.  either way, i read your emails. and i’ll seriously write back……later.

whatever the case may be, i just want to put this out there:

i kind of hate you.

but before you start assuming that korea has molded me into an even surlier dickhead, let me explain.

as you read this, you are probably sitting in the comfortable comfort of your own home. a home that probably has some sort of central heating, and maybe even a room or two with carpeted flooring. a home where you do not live next door to your boss, a man that without encouragement or any interest from yours truly, finds it beyond necessary to narrate daily activities, meals, and choice of inner/ outerwear (“yes, i wear moccasins in the winter. and yes, this apparently also means that EVERY SINGLE CANADIAN wears moccasins in the winter. the orange moccasin dye on the bottoms of our feet is practically a racial identifier…”).

maybe you are lucky enough to have walls which seperate one room from another, but even if that is not the case, surely (and for your standard of living, hopefully) your kitchen has a kitchen.

i hate you because you probably have an oven. i hate you because you most likely have counterspace where you can chop onions and carrots freely without running the risk of flinging your plastic drying rack into the open flame of your gas stove top. i hate you because you can plug-in your microwave, kettle, and coffee maker ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

i’m harbouring a lot of jealousy right now. it’s probably best i hold off on that facebook response for another month or two.

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anthony bourdain (foodie and verging silver fox) once proclaimed that taiwan has some of the best food he has ever tasted.

now i can’t say for sure, but i am fairly certain that mr. silver fox was referring to the shortlist of stranger-than-strange themed restaurants that occupy the streets, lanes, and alleyways of taiwan.

from airplane take-out meals to hospital diners with wheelchair seating, the novelty of these opportunities are almost as attractive as both the second-largest ferris wheel and free-standing building that landmark the city of taipei.

but let’s be honest, nothing can compete with a toilet-themed restaurant. (i mean come on, no one really has a fair shot when you’re talking about drinks being served out of mini urinals).

and just like that, suddenly “eating off a toilet seat” quickly surpassed “climbing mt. cising” for the top spot on my must-do list while in taiwan.

and naturally as it goes with any must-do list, i would promptly deem this trip an epic fail if i was unable to put all of my potty humour jokes to use while celebrating the year of the rabbit. and perhaps the food delirium had something to do with it, but other facets of taiwan (and more specifically, taipei) were also all kinds of impressive.

they’ve got this ridiculously efficient transportation system that costs pennies (no, really) to take.

 

their temples are all kinds of colourful and have these well-hidden designs that once discovered, make you feel like you have just found the ‘x’ on a pirate treasure hunt.

 

 

they’ve also got this extremely urbanized cityscape that couples with this slighty seedy (in a good way) miami-like landscape that almost seems passable as a backdrop from a scene in dexter.

where was i?

oh right. they also have a restaurant all about poop.

and i as whined my way through my last night in taipei, i spotted the iconic blue pants man and pink dress girl. those recognizable symbols you would hope to see on a stretch of highway after a big gallon of gatorade, much less an underpass in downtown taipei.

 

it didn’t take much convincing before i was enjoying a cereal-decorated sundae, served in the culturally relevant squatter toilet. maybe the ice cream wasn’t that noteworthy. but in modern toilet’s defense, when you’re seating customers at sink basins and using toilet paper for napkins, the actual meal may have the tendency to take a back (toilet) seat.

 

the fact that my visit to the loo was a taiwanese highlight, perhaps reveals something more about one’s maturity level. but for me, the consolation is knowing that mr. silver fox himself was probably making the same shitty puns (ha!) in the exact same (toilet) seat. all the while grinning to his foodie buddies after making some half-assed (double ha!) joke about taiwan being the shit.

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read any expat blog about being away during christmas and they will all suggest the same thing:

“just get drunk and forget that it ever happened.”

now i’m not one to heed the advice of others (especially those dangerous self-labelled “backpackers”) but this suggestion seemed as good excuse as any to deck the halls of okpo. and unbeknownst to me, it’s practically a ritual in korea to get downright belligerent the day before the most family-driven heavy hitters of all holidays. (not to mention the race to the nearest love motel for those coupled-up koreans. but tis neither here nor there).

now i can’t speak for everyone (especially those solo korean males, left with only a room key and a half-empty pint of cass), but i was filled with all kinds of gin-inspired christmas cheer. the kind of cheer that really only meant me stationing myself next to the pretty christmas lights at any of the better bars and spending the rest of my drink snapping shots of the twinkles while requesting mariah carey christmas classics for the umpteenth time.  i left my surliness and aggressive headlocks at home. and i probably only lied, like, once….my very own christmas miracle! 

now that’s not to say i took all of this advice to heart. yes, we upped the ante a bit and even finally closed the case on what’s hiding behind those black-tinted windows of foreigner clubs that contribute a lil’ something special to okpo’s “charm.” but it’s not like i could just do as these righteous backpackers do, and forget that christmas day even exists.

instead of blatantly ignoring the day, i celebrated december two-five with a handful of pals and solid intervals of delicious meals followed by pirated christmas-centric movies . i think i passed out sometime around the time when ralphie parker started to narrate his cleveland christmas of 1940.

even though i didn’t get an official red rider carbine-action two-hundred shot range bb gun or the asian easy bake oven that i blatantly requested, i still think that this christmas was pretty much fantastic.

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